Forgiveness

For if you forgive men when they sin against you,
your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive the men their sins,
your Father will not forgive your sins.
(Matthew 6:14-15)

I have been thinking a lot about the subject of forgiveness lately. It has been something that I have been praying about constantly. A topic that seems to always be on my mind. The above verse has been "haunting" me daily.

This past year has been a tough one for me and my family due to the unexpected separation and subsequent divorce of my parents after 26 years of marriage due to "irreconcilable differences" between them. Namely my father's decision to come out with his sexual orientation.

Being a Christian, the idea that my father was gay rocked me to my core. Not only did this break up our family and devastate us all, especially my mother, it threw me into a spiral of not knowing how to now "interact" with my father. The past 18 months since first being told this news by my father has been tough. I have gone through all the emotions: shock and disbelief, anger (for a long time), sadness, uncertainty, despair, and more anger and sadness.

I know that God wants me to give these issues over to him and forgive my father. He doesn't want me to have to carry this heavy burden on my shoulders weighing me down with every step. I think what is holding me back is that I feel that by forgiving my dad I am somehow condoning what he has done, like saying it's ok what he did to the family, and it's not ok. Also, every time I see my mother go through another battery of emotions trying to deal with all the legalities involved in getting divorced and dividing up belongings and dealing with lawyers it hurts me a little more.

Because forgiveness has been on my mind and I have been praying about it, lately I seem to be bombarded with situations discussing forgiveness.

My nightly devotions have been on the topic of forgiveness and giving over burdens to God. Ironic, I know.

Also, I recently watched an episode of Oprah where she was focusing on the need for forgiveness. She had guests on that had forgiven people for shooting them or killing a family member. It was amazing how some of the guests were able to forgive others for some pretty horrific acts. Also, there was a doctor on the show that said not forgiving someone is like daily drinking a poison hoping that it will harm the other person.

I agree with that point. Sometimes I feel like I am not forgiving my father so that I can hold onto the anger and keep control of the situation, but that I am daily ingesting a bitter and awful poison hoping it will somehow hurt him the way he has hurt me.

Also, I recently had a lengthy conversation with a friend who was so honest with me about giving and receiving forgiveness in his life. This conversation was a surprise as I haven't know him very long and the talk started off very light and then amazingly progressed into this wonderful conversation on forgiveness and why it is so vital. Something he said to me stuck with me. He told me that it is SO hard to forgive, but so necessary and that God isn't "mad" at me until I am able to forgive but that God will slowly chip away at the hurt and anger and through Jesus' love, and only his love and my awareness of that love will I be able to forgive.

And finally, the other evening my aunt was over visiting with my mother, and I overheard their conversation: my mothers need to work towards forgiving my father. She had a lot of the same feelings as me that if she forgives she is condoning the behavior. I can only imagine how hard this will be for her if I am having such a hard time and she is dealing with a totally different and more piercing type of pain.

So my process towards forgiveness for my father has been a long and bumpy road and continues to be one. But I know that God is taking me by the hand and leading me down the right path to one day be able to forgive him for the hurt and pain and move on with my life and to stop drinking the poison of un-forgiveness daily.

If God is able to daily forgive me for my constant short comings then I need to work towards forgiving my father as my Heavenly Father has forgiven me. I will keep praying and listening to God, I KNOW he is speaking to me.